October: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

There’s only one week left of October. I’ve never experienced Pregnancy and Infant Loss month before but being connected to so many now it’s definitely a heavy month but so many great things are shared and I feel compelled to share mine. The best quote I’ve read this month is that “I grieve publicly so others know they’re not alone.” That’s exactly how I felt and in sharing if I help even one other person then it’s worth it.

“I believe in rainbows.” The shirt that took 2 plus months to arrive and @jriedler forgot he even ordered it for me. That was a funny moment. It’s mind over matter when you tell yourself it will all be worth it. That’s what I told myself for every minute of my recent pelvic MRI and the oh so uncomfortable hysterosonogram three days before that. And the countless hours on the phone with doctors offices for scheduling, questions and insurance calls.

Since June 2018 I had thought that I inherited a bicornuate uterus, or ❤️ shaped. I remember laughing in the ultrasound while pregnant with Graham and calling my mom once I got out.

At my annual physical this summer my GP suggested I maybe have an ultrasound just to be sure because once you’re pregnant they can’t see the natural shape. If nothing else it gives everyone a good starting point. The results suggested that I should go see a specialist, and my GP would send a referral when I wanted.

I decided I would see my OBGYN in two months and see what he thinks. Then a voice said make the call. Today. Of course there was a 2.5 month wait. When they called three hours before an open appointment time 2 months early I took it.

Of course the images weren’t definitive enough – could be ❤️ shaped or could be a septum. Septum’s are not a good thing. They have poor blood supply if a fetus attaches and a higher likelihood of miscarriage. Heart shaped uterus means there’s nothing to do.

Of course I have a septum and now require surgery. My head goes to the calendar. It feels like we’ve wasted an entire year of our lives.

There’s no telling what the road will look like. Maybe my rainbow has a different outcome. I had two people recently ask me if I was pregnant yet or if I remembered how to have a kid. It caught me off guard as it usually does. I’m still confused as to why people think it’s their business to ask such things. I don’t always have the wherewithal to talk about everything I’ve gone through to every curious person.

I pray every night that one day our 🌈 will be clear, whatever it may be.

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