Trigger warnings: COVID, Death, Pregnancy, Loss, Miscarriage

2020, what an effing year it was! I think everyone can agree with that. It felt like a year that would take and take and only give you the crappy things. I have said this for months now, I hope we never forget how creative we have gotten and take these little lessons along with us as we continue on this journey of life. Though this blog wouldn’t be complete without mentioning those who aren’t continuing on this journey with us. COVID-19 has taken so much from us, our feeling of safety, our social lives as we used to know it, countless canceled plans, and for some of us, family.

In October, COVID made its way into my grandparents’ assisted living. On Thursday we found out my grandpa had tested positive, and by Sunday afternoon he was gone. My grandma also had tested positive but thankfully had very mild symptoms. Their assisted living lost 6 people to COVID that we know of- though no one seemed to talk about that. COVID funerals are the worst by the way. No one can attend, you have to wait weeks to quarantine the dead. I thought ok, 2020 this is the icing on the cake of all the crap that happened this year.

Right before Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant and we were ecstatic! After a few concerns my OBGYN ordered an ultrasound and everything was looking good. A follow-up was scheduled for two weeks later, the week before Christmas.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that something was wrong even though no one has said so? The tech doing the ultrasound told me she had to get the radiologist because it was a follow up. This seemed strange, two weeks prior they sent my doctor the results and they called me later that day. When they returned after what felt like forever, they looked at the images talked about my crazy uterus (it’s hereditary). Then I heard the worst sentence of my life, “There is a little baby in there but unfortunately no longer has a heartbeat.” I didn’t want this to be true. I don’t want to be part of this club, I just want to have all these weird pregnancy symptoms and keep dreaming about what life will be like a year from now.

I’ve never felt more alone. Our family and friends have been wonderful support for us to lean on. But I just want to talk to people who understand what we are going through. But it’s like a big hush hush. I mean think about it, you normally don’t tell people you’re pregnant until your second trimester. Why? Because the risk of miscarriage significantly decreases. It all seems so silly now, because even though we are heartbroken I want to talk about it. This baby will always be part of our story. I searched for resources of women who like me have experienced pregnancy loss. I wanted to know how things went for them. News flash it doesn’t happen like in the movies!

I read a blog said it the best “We need to start the conversation about miscarriage. We need to break the silence. We need to bring it out of the dark and into the light. We need to stand together as parents, as women, as mothers, we need to lift one another up and celebrate life – no matter what stage it is at.”

I hope you do not find yourself as part of the club you didn’t want to be in, but if you do, know that I am here. While I am not quite ready at this moment, I am here with you and will support you in whatever way I can.

Oof, 2020 broke me in more ways than one, but I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how strong we were and how far we’ve come. I wish for 2021 to bring peace.

Good riddance 2020!