October: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

There’s only one week left of October. I’ve never experienced Pregnancy and Infant Loss month before but being connected to so many now it’s definitely a heavy month but so many great things are shared and I feel compelled to share mine. The best quote I’ve read this month is that “I grieve publicly so others know they’re not alone.” That’s exactly how I felt and in sharing if I help even one other person then it’s worth it.

“I believe in rainbows.” The shirt that took 2 plus months to arrive and @jriedler forgot he even ordered it for me. That was a funny moment. It’s mind over matter when you tell yourself it will all be worth it. That’s what I told myself for every minute of my recent pelvic MRI and the oh so uncomfortable hysterosonogram three days before that. And the countless hours on the phone with doctors offices for scheduling, questions and insurance calls.

Since June 2018 I had thought that I inherited a bicornuate uterus, or ❤️ shaped. I remember laughing in the ultrasound while pregnant with Graham and calling my mom once I got out.

At my annual physical this summer my GP suggested I maybe have an ultrasound just to be sure because once you’re pregnant they can’t see the natural shape. If nothing else it gives everyone a good starting point. The results suggested that I should go see a specialist, and my GP would send a referral when I wanted.

I decided I would see my OBGYN in two months and see what he thinks. Then a voice said make the call. Today. Of course there was a 2.5 month wait. When they called three hours before an open appointment time 2 months early I took it.

Of course the images weren’t definitive enough – could be ❤️ shaped or could be a septum. Septum’s are not a good thing. They have poor blood supply if a fetus attaches and a higher likelihood of miscarriage. Heart shaped uterus means there’s nothing to do.

Of course I have a septum and now require surgery. My head goes to the calendar. It feels like we’ve wasted an entire year of our lives.

There’s no telling what the road will look like. Maybe my rainbow has a different outcome. I had two people recently ask me if I was pregnant yet or if I remembered how to have a kid. It caught me off guard as it usually does. I’m still confused as to why people think it’s their business to ask such things. I don’t always have the wherewithal to talk about everything I’ve gone through to every curious person.

I pray every night that one day our 🌈 will be clear, whatever it may be.

Things to not ask a woman!

I’ll be honest I wrote this blog post after a pretty awful day but wanted to let it sit and stew for awhile.

I think the day after we got married someone jokingly asked us “so when are you going to have kids?” It’s been less than 24 hours and you are already wondering!!! Granted I feel this was sort of said in a joking manner, but why are people so wrapped up in when people have or do not have kids.

After I had Graham people started asking about another one. Maybe there’s some super human ladies out there ready to pop another kid out after just having one but that certainly wasn’t me! Having a c-section was not fun and the recovery sucked! Wasn’t quite ready for that as I still had staples in my abdomen! You’re welcome for me not posting that photo 🤣.

So once I returned after my week off from my medically managed missed miscarriage (and certainly still very emotional) I worried what/how I would react if someone asked me about adding another one.

Well it took a whole day before someone told I should just go get pregnant, another person to tell me now is not really a good time to have kids. I was polite but inside it was killing me. Killing me because I wish I had the courage to say that were did have a child but he/she would never walk this earth.

Thank goodness for social media helping connect me to other mamas with a similar story. I’ve seen their strength and it has given me strength. It also helps having a child who seems to give you just what you need when you need it most. Like randomly singing twinkle, twinkle.

Recently I had an employee ask me if I was ready for another child. It was just over a month since my medically managed missed miscarriage and almost 9 weeks since we found out our devastating news. But I had the courage to speak up and tell her that I had suffered a loss of the holidays (albeit not entirely true it was easier than going into details).

In my opinion, if you feel the need to ask about someone’s reproduction you deserve whatever answer you’re given and it may even catch you off guard. I personally know people who choose to not have children, couldn’t get pregnant, adopted, experienced loss after loss, have done IVF and IUI.

Do you really want to be the person who tears someone’s heart into a million pieces?

No, I do not think it’s anyone’s business besides the individual and their partner if, when, or how someone may OR may not reproduce. And if you feel the need to come up with some small talk- ask her where she gets her hair cut or something! Literally ask ANYTHING besides that because it’s just none of your d@mn business!

2020…our year of loss

Trigger warnings: COVID, Death, Pregnancy, Loss, Miscarriage

2020, what an effing year it was! I think everyone can agree with that. It felt like a year that would take and take and only give you the crappy things. I have said this for months now, I hope we never forget how creative we have gotten and take these little lessons along with us as we continue on this journey of life. Though this blog wouldn’t be complete without mentioning those who aren’t continuing on this journey with us. COVID-19 has taken so much from us, our feeling of safety, our social lives as we used to know it, countless canceled plans, and for some of us, family.

In October, COVID made its way into my grandparents’ assisted living. On Thursday we found out my grandpa had tested positive, and by Sunday afternoon he was gone. My grandma also had tested positive but thankfully had very mild symptoms. Their assisted living lost 6 people to COVID that we know of- though no one seemed to talk about that. COVID funerals are the worst by the way. No one can attend, you have to wait weeks to quarantine the dead. I thought ok, 2020 this is the icing on the cake of all the crap that happened this year.

Gramps, always trying to make you laugh!

Right before Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant and we were ecstatic! After a few concerns my OBGYN ordered an ultrasound and everything was looking good. A follow-up was scheduled for two weeks later, the week before Christmas.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that something was wrong even though no one has said so? The tech doing the ultrasound told me she had to get the radiologist because it was a follow up. This seemed strange, two weeks prior they sent my doctor the results and they called me later that day. When they returned after what felt like forever, they looked at the images talked about my crazy uterus (it’s hereditary). Then I heard the worst sentence of my life, “There is a little baby in there but unfortunately no longer has a heartbeat.” I didn’t want this to be true. I don’t want to be part of this club, I just want to have all these weird pregnancy symptoms and keep dreaming about what life will be like a year from now.

I’ve never felt more alone. Our family and friends have been wonderful support for us to lean on. But I just want to talk to people who understand what we are going through. But it’s like a big hush hush. I mean think about it, you normally don’t tell people you’re pregnant until your second trimester. Why? Because the risk of miscarriage significantly decreases. It all seems so silly now, because even though we are heartbroken I want to talk about it. This baby will always be part of our story. I searched for resources of women who like me have experienced pregnancy loss. I wanted to know how things went for them. News flash it doesn’t happen like in the movies!

I read a blog said it the best “We need to start the conversation about miscarriage. We need to break the silence. We need to bring it out of the dark and into the light. We need to stand together as parents, as women, as mothers, we need to lift one another up and celebrate life – no matter what stage it is at.”

I hope you do not find yourself as part of the club you didn’t want to be in, but if you do, know that I am here. While I am not quite ready at this moment, I am here with you and will support you in whatever way I can.

Oof, 2020 broke me in more ways than one, but I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how strong we were and how far we’ve come. I wish for 2021 to bring peace.

Good riddance 2020!

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑